The Guilty Mommy Effect

I'm a firm believer that every mom has it to some degree. And, to be fair, I suppose I'm coming from one perspective. Be that culture, society, politics, or what have you. But. I'm pretty sure that no one knows how to be a mom or prepare to be a mom without actually doing it. There are the books, the advise (always the advise), the traditions, the internet (the worst of the worst), social media, and whatever is out there that tells you how motherhood is or is not.

And that, I believe, is where there is guilt. That self conscious doubt that you will somehow do something incredible wrong that will doom your child into a life of crime, failures, broken mental capacity, onward and so forth.

I know I have it. The Guilty Mommy Effect. When I drop my daughter off at day care and she clings to my neck like she is never going to see me again, I feel like the complete jerk. Prying her off of me, giving words of encouragement as I back away from her outstretched arms and pleading, teary eyes, to leave the building like no biggy just another lovely morning. I close the door to the car and I feel it in my gut.

I usually ignore it. It's just a bad morning. I know she'll be fine and when I go to pick her up I'll get the Mommmmmmmmmmmmmaaaaaaaa! from across the room as she books it to me to give me the biggest hug she is capable of expressing. She won't think of me any less, doesn't wallow in the corner like a condemned prisoner sent to solitary confinement with only bread and water and one window to gaze out of and dream of better days when mom didn't have to go to work.

And then there are days that it goes bad and the guilt just seeps in. As I make the 10 minute drive down the road to work, I just keep hearing it in my head: worst mom ever. Worst. Mom. Ever....It is depressing and horrible and I was getting teary eyed just remembering some of these drives. Cause it sucks. It's fine and she's fine and sometimes lessons are hard, but man. It just sucks.

But. I feel like it is part of every moms life. The women I know, and the other mothers I know, they all have these self doubts. These moments where we feel like the absolute worst and that we are failing somehow in this imaginary standard of what a mother should be and be capable of. It's imaginary and it's uncalled for, but us ladies, man....we can be the best at making the worst out of any scenario. It's what makes us female. We connect our actions with our world around us. Males, they are object oriented, leader of the pack, alpha dudes. Females, we try to get everyone happy, keep the fair game going, and make sure everyone feels included. So. Add in being a mom on top of that. The perfect storm. Hormones+(doubts/fears)+(advice/internet)=The imagined ability to do something wrong. Guilt. Guilt for trying your best. Guilt for kids not acting a certain way, for not knowing the answer, for struggling to believe in yourself and to trust your own abilities.

So I guess this post is to address that moment when it pops up in my head. It's normal to feel guilty. It's normal to wonder if you are doing the right thing or maybe so and so on your newsfeed really does have it better with the best children and home life. You know what, good for her. Good for all them. But, at the end of the day, I still get a happy look of love and safety from the only one that should give a crap about how I mother. Will that make the bad days go away, no. Cause come on, not a superwoman over here. But. A personal reminder to myself. Don't nag yourself over being guilty when it's all about a preconceived notion of what a good mother is, because my best is the very best for my littlest munchkins.

Apologies over the sorta rambling that is this post. Hopefully I made some sense and didn't over generalize too much on men and women characteristics. The end.