Oh, I'm sorry, you're having a baby?

Pregnancy and Birth in the work field, in my experience, are deemed as not an experience but a procedure and disability. The dreaded FMLA. The Family and Medical Leave Act was established to protect your job for up to twelve weeks due to birth/adoption and health issues. Don't get me wrong, I am grateful that I get benefits and that I can have my job reserved, but the lingo drives me nuts. To label it like it was an accident, or that it wasn't my choice? Oh, I'm sorry, you're having a baby? We will hold onto your job till you're done.

Thank you?

I read this story, of a worst nightmare and one that hits me right in the gut. The woman explains that she had to return to her work in order to keep her job/benefits/income. She did her research, found a daycare, and even had a plan on how she would divide her time between work and going to the daycare for feedings and spending time with her child. But, within the first couple hours of placing her baby in daycare, he passed away, due to undetermined reasons.

Would it had happened at home? Who knows. Would she had been able to save her child if she was still caring for the baby? Maybe. All the what ifs, the if onlys...

What I really like about her little note isn't that she is trying to blame day care workers, or her company, or anyone in particular. She laments, and I cry with her:

"Why, why does a parent in this country have to sacrifice her job, her ability to provide her child with proper health care —- or for many worse off than me, enough food to eat — to buy just a few more months to nurture a child past the point of vulnerability?"

I like to work. I do. I like to think I'm a pretty good worker. And the work place has been opened up to a lot of women. What is it? Almost half of the work force is women? We are still working on different parts, income, positions, attitudes, and whatever you can think of. One thing though that stands out to me is this idea that a mom needs so many set amount of weeks given in order to recuperate and connect with their newborn. Who are you to say how long I need? The magic number of 12 weeks? Where the bleep does that come from? What if you're not ready? What if you want just another month? A year?

Every mother/infant relationship is unique. I'm not saying that I'd want a year off or that I want only two weeks off. My experience was awesome and one that I wish I could repeat. I had spent almost four years with my job (and accumulated a massive block of sick/personal leave, it was beautiful), but when my leave was up, I was able to work part time at home and part time in the office with the evening shift. So, I had to only do day care for about nine hours total a week, just two hours a day, except for Fridays, which I believe I had the whole day at home. It. Was. Perfect. Perfect for me. I went through the anxieties though, dropping of my little one to someone else's care. We were paying an arm and a leg for the nine hours, but goodness, it was worth the extra little bit. I would go through all the worries. Would they comfort her? Help her? Know the tricks and tips? What if something happened? What if a meteor came down and took out the city, would I be able to cross the half a dozen blocks to find her? The horror!

I was lucky though, and it worked out great. Most of my fears are calmed now, at least, I like to think that there will not be a meteor that will strike us down. But, there are days that I'm driving to work, with little one in the back, and I think, does she know what I ask of her? Am I making her miss out on something?

And then what if there is a second one? Another baby? I won't have all the years worth of leave or the ability to work split shifts. Would I be able to give my newborn, three month old, over to someone else for full days? Three months old! Three. They're barely blooming and then they'll be interacting with someone else. Could I have six months? How about nine? No. Just twelve weeks. Sigh.

Is there a better way? Yes, there has to be. But, I work in a society here in America, that is go go go go work culture. There is little sympathy for a working mother, and if there is, it would be weak, an exception, or an impossibility. For example, I've had it happen to me at least three times here, but when I explain I have a child, the first question I get is, "Oh, who takes care of the baby?" or "Oh, who stays with the baby?" Let me ask you something, do you ask a father that? If you are a dude and your working along, dudidudidu, and someone finds out that you are a father or have a child, are you asked who takes care of the child? No, cause you assume the mom is, of course. My position as an employee and a mother therefore are a contradiction, at least that's what I feel like when I have to explain myself, when you ask that kind of question. I have to rationalize it to you. I have to prove to you that I'm still being a good mom.

They don't ask to be mean, I know that. It's an innocent enough question. But just shows how much of our culture is set in this idea that a woman needs to stay at the home when there are little ones. What I would give to spend the working week with my little one. But, that is not really an option for me. I live in a place where I need to work. And I need to have a day care help me. It can be a bit of a vicious, emotional cycle. I feel like I have to work, but society says that I shouldn't. But that I should and put in the hours to prove my worth. But that I should question why I should even be there. And then question my sanity or my skills as a mom, a worker, or a woman. Constant cycles.

I'll have to start a running list of "Things You Shouldn't Say to a Working Mother." Number 1: Who's taking care of the baby?